Ok, Wifey
It can't be helped.  i'm surrounded by too many married couples to not think about marriage.

Now, it's not like i have this dream of a fancy wedding.  Or riding a tandem bike with my wife through a park.  It's just the thought of being married.  Like what would it be like?

Who do you get married to?  Is it someone who fits most into the dream girl mold you have?  Someone that actually tolerates you (and heaven forbid.. likes you) for more than 20 minutes?  Or is it someone who likes the same taste in TV shows as you so you can watch TV together forever?  i don't really get it.  Maybe it's confusing to me because for 17-odd years, i assumed my parents were happy together and then next thing you know they were divorced.  So all that i thought i knew no longer stood true.

Then i think of even further in the future with kids.  i work with some older people.  People old enough to be my parents.. or even older.  So they tell me stories about their daughters and sons in college and it kind of blows my mind.  Like i'm sure that i'll get married somewhere along the road unless i'm more repulsive than i think i am.  So, i'll probably have kids.  And those kids will be going to college.  It kind of makes you think.  Like will i be as..  weird as i am now?  Will i be posting on Xanga about how my kid is going to an out of state school and it makes me sad?  Hmm....

It's weird though because it looks like the older you get... the more compromises you make because the more desperate you get.  i guess that's the consequence of marrying late.  Your selection starts to get a little thin.  But the positive is that your competition gets a little weaker too.  Though that's also a bad thing.. you become more of a "oh well, i suppose i could do worse" or "i'm not getting any younger" candidate.

All i know is that if i have kids.  i'm going to take lots of pictures.  i like looking at old pictures.  But me having kids?  That's just scary.

Enough about that though.  Thinking about marriage is weird.  It's like one of those inevitable things, but i'm not really at a point in my life where it's realistic.  Heck, i'm not even with someone.  So why bother thinking about it too much?  Plus the more i talk about it.. the more people will think i'm like getting the marriage bug or whatever and it's bad enough when your mother and her friends get wind of that.

i don't get headaches very often.  Whenever i do, it really really sucks and i always feel like i have brain cancer.  It's so irrational, but i can't help it.  Maybe i just don't understand the concept of what a migraine is.

Yay!
A year has passed..  well, more than a year.  And i felt like writing here.  My main one was getting a bit wordy and i don't really like my posts to be too long....  so i'll use this as overflow.

i think in some ways i've hit some sort of depression.  i doubt i'd ever fall into this deep, clinical depression just because it just doesn't feel natural to be that sad.  Maybe it's some sort of religiousness or something that'll keep me from ever losing complete faith in life or something, but yeah....  i just don't feel happy.  There's very little in my day-to-day life that is very much worth living.  i don't have any job satisfaction.  Work.. is work.  i mean, no matter how important it is supposed to be i don't see the value in it myself.  The fact that i see so little importance in it in the grand scheme of things and how the people i hate at work seem to love it so much just makes it worse.  Also the fact that i can't seem to truly connect with anyone here.  i guess it's fine by normal standards, but nowhere near the level of friendship i've come to be used to from back home.  And maybe that's just racism because all the people here are non-Korean for the most part.

i don't know...  i mean, it's strange...  when i was back home in GA, things were getting to be a little too comfortable and i had to get out.  And so i just impulsively signed up for the AF.  i don't think the AF was the worst idea i could've had, but it was definitely not the best.  But we make do with the hand we are dealt... or whatever.

Also the feelings and thoughts i have of certain people have changed significantly over the years, and it's kind of made me sad.  Like..  it's known that if you're away from a group of people long enough... change will occur and it'll just be a series of randomly abrupt changes that you'd never see coming until it comes to the point where you really don't connect with them like you used to.  And so, where does that leave me?  i don't know anyone anywhere anymore.  It's like everyone's this new person with these new priorities and i'm just trying to find some way to reconnect.  Some way to be back to how it was.  Where i don't have to use MySpace or Facebook or Xanga to try and communicate with them.  Quick little snippets to avoid the fact that i have nothing else to say.

There was this one person (a female) that did a really nice gesture for me one time like..  6-7 years ago.  She's extremely bright, funny, whatever.  i had a girlfriend at the time, but i would treat this other girl somewhat better occasionally.  And i didn't think about it.  It was just how it was.  She did something for me that just blew me away with its simplicity and effort.  And so i could never repay her.  And i never thought of her as more than a friend.  But now...  i can't talk to her.  i don't feel any bond with her.  Like some vested interest as a person, but she's too different.  And it's frustrating because even though there isn't that bond of really close friendship... i feel like i have to prove something to her.  i mean, i'd like to be close, but it just doesn't seem like it'll happen.  Is it really friendship when you're constantly trying to show that you're not an idiot?

i'd like to think that my relationship with people isn't based on geographical closeness.  That the only reason i'm nice to someone or hang out with someone is because they're there and i'm there.  There's gotta be more to it than that.  Maybe that's why i can open up more freely with the people from Marietta.  Because so much of who i am is already understood.  They know my history.  They know i'm Korean and yet i suck with the culture and language.  They know i'm SDA and all that entails.  They just know me for me.  Here.. it's like everyone puts on a face.  Some "i'm cool" face.  And anyone who knows me...  i don't exude "i'm cool".  i'm more of a "uh.. i'm goofy, man.  Sorry" attitude.  It really doesn't mesh well unless we're all drunk.  And i don't wanna be drunk for things to be "ok".

But yeah, so this is a bit of a rambling post.  i just miss too much.  And i really chalk it up to the fact that i haven't been home in 8 months and i probably won't for another 4 at the way things are going.  To think i've been away from home for a whole year makes me feel so crappy.

When someone puts themself online, it always has to be about strength or some spin on weakness.  It's never just...  bleh, here's how i feel right now.  Here's what i'm thinking.  i don't want to have to put up something quirky and humorous because my life isn't really like that all the time.  Sure, sometimes... but it's just not always like that.  And is it some sort of pathetic cry for attention to post all this stuff?  Not really..  i just want to write.  And the fact that i do it online is to leave it fairly open.  Like here's this Jonathan guy.  He's not all mopey and pathetic most of the time, but he has his moments where he's human.  Where maybe someone who feels like he's in some weird deserted island with work, a gas station, and a grocery store.  Imagine being out in the world.  Before finishing college.  Not knowing anyone and moving out into some God forsaken city.  Not having the money or freedom to visit people when you want.  How much fun and happiness would there be in your life?  i don't want to put this whole "look how bad i've got it" situation thing in anyone's face, but just for some perspective.

i really do have this new appreciation for the people that still make cameos in my life.  It makes those trips home much better and makes the time i've got much more precious.  There's just so much more that makes sense.  Like how some things require so little actual time and effort, but mean so much to some people.  For instance, going to school.  So little time actually goes into it in the grand scheme of things.  Like helping out at church.  Spending time with people that don't have a lot of people to spend time with.  Cherishing the moments with friends and family that will pass by in the blink of an eye.  Whether it's eating a meal and BS'ing, or sitting quietly together during a sermon or bowing your heads concertedly in prayer.  Visiting grandparents that you can't understand even though they live like 2 hours away.  Everything is just..  easy.  And if i go back home with that.. if i just remember to try and make the best of what time i have left... it'll make the 6 years in the AF totally worth it.  It will have still saved me 12 years of heartache and regret.

So, every now and then some time comes where i just think deeply and then dramatize everything.  Everything will be fine.  Everything is currently fine.  i guess it always is in the cosmic sense of things.  i guess i just realize i don't have a significant identity outside of my friends and to see them all scatter like chaff... it's just all too revealing how much i cling to them to tell me who i am.  i'm not really one to just be all independent and survive alone.  Sure, it's possible, but is that a life worth living if you can't share it with someone?  i sometimes re-read what i write and wonder if i sound as lame and powerless as i feel in retrospect.  But in principle, it's still all very true to me.  The basics still exist:  i can breathe on my own, but what's life without people to enjoy it with.  i can smile on my own, but where's the joy if i never see one myself?  i can hear, but what's the point if i no one will make the music or tell me the joke?

Anyway, life is fine.  It's.. illuminating.  i'll go to work.  i'll visit friends.  i love it.  As long as all my friends and family don't all get destroyed in some hellish war, i should be ok.

Well, this xanga will be closing down soon enough.

But first... a few things.

My life is nothing without my friends and i've been ruining my life (so in other words... ruining my friendships).  i can't stand it.  It's driving me crazy and making me unhappy.  i guess i deserve no more or less than what i got, but i can't help hoping for a little mercy to be tossed my way.

i want to be good.  i want to be the best friend possible, but sometimes i lack the better judgement that i need.

Ugh, maybe i'm destined to be alone.  Or destined to keep myself alone so i don't do the same stupid things over and over again.  Who knows?  i just feel like there's more confusion going on and less explanation (and less chances for explanation).

So, yeah, this is probably the last post on here too.  i thought i was sad before, but i don't think i've ever been so crappy feeling in my entire life.  It's seriously falling all around me...  (how egotistical.  Falling around ME?)  And the last thing i want to do is drag it on or show people how pathetic i am.  Yeah, so, farewell, and i hope you all enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed being around with you.

Changes
And so here i am.  It's been a while.  i've had time to think.  And guess what?  Here's an update on all fronts....

Old Relationships
i'm not bitter.  Well, not in my definition of the word.  There are definitely moments where i miss having her.  Not MY girl, but still mine.  Someone i could always count on and trust and care for without sounding/feeling stupid.  Someone who sent me misc. care packages that made my week.  What exactly makes someone bitter anyway?  i mean, i guess if i found reasons to blame myself all day long about why it didn't work out, then i couldn't be bitter.  So, maybe that's what i'm supposed to be like..?  It's always too little too late with the things that you actually want that you can't have that you once had.  Right?  So, yeah, i'm waiting for someone to come along to replace the Jennifer-shaped hole there is in my life.  Sometimes i look at the trouble in our relationship and i don't think it'd be too hard to find someone better, but in some ways i didn't want to find anyone better.  i got to the point where...  i didn't want the perfect girl, because i already had her.  i mean, sure, she was crazy about cleaning and organizing, but if a girl's going to be crazy about anything.. well, better that it's cleaning and organizing than it is.. killing people and punching people in the face.  Oh well, i guess that's all stuff i can carry into my next relationship.  Lessons learned.  As long as i don't take any baggage with me, then i should be ok.

i'm not really looking, but i find it highly unlikely that i'll get as lucky as i got 5 years ago.  Holy crap, it would've been our 5 year anniversary in May, but i forgot about it.  Oh well, it's fitting....

Friends
Well, i've been a crappy friend.  i can't ever spend enough time with all my friends that i want to, because i don't have enough time.  i don't even think i'd have enough time if i wasn't in the military, but what can you do?  That's life.

Career
Haha, yeah, i'm working on that one.  i don't know what i want to do, so i'm stuck.  The only thing that keeps me going is that i know that i need to do stuff to be able to provide for my future family.  So, the natural progression of things....  yeah, but i'm unhappy, so that should make me the perfect level of angry-ness for my future life.

Education?
Well, trying.

Family
i've realized that i've been a crappy son/brother/cousin/nephew and everything else that i am.  i want to go home and redeem myself.  Be there to show my grandparents that i do care about them and i'm not just waiting for them to die.  i want to help my parents out with whatever they need instead of slowly leeching their lives away and making them feel guilty for their sons' lack of direction.  And i want to be at the special events and holiday dinners with all of my family instead of being here and doing nothing.  i think the hardest thing is that i believe my family is fairly self-sufficient as it is.  i mean, what can i bring to it?  And so being with my friends keeps me from feeling any burden of responsibility while i can still do things for them and all that knowing it's with the goodness of my heart and not because of some obligation.

New Relationships
i guess i've been holding people to a higher standard than what is normal.  i mean, i only have two levels of friends that i actually break apart.  There are good/best friends and then there are acquaintances.  There is very little that i'll do for good friends that i won't do for acquaintances.  i mean, i'll pick them all up if they ever need a ride, or loan the money if they need it.  But there is definitely something different in my mind.  i mean, it's just something... i can't describe in words.  i just care about you more if you're worthy.  Show superficiality or unreasonable rudeness, then consider yourself an acquaintance.  Not that you'd care, because you'd be superficial and annoying anyway and i'd treat you semi-poorly for every instance of crappiness you exhibited.

But anyway, still working on it.